he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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