i just wanna soil my oats bro
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
