Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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