she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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