I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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