i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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