i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Is Oprah even human
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize