I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
