you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
