Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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