Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
