if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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