I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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