4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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