Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
