mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
