i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
