Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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