She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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