As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
