does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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