My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
