I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize