The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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