how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
