based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
