So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
