Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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