September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
