I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
