We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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