I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
