Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
