I wish I could teleport
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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