My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
