Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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