I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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