I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
