So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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