my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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