Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
