Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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