He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
