Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
