First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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