I met the friendliest cop last night
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
