my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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