i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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