Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
