dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
