my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
