I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
