last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize