You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
