I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
