you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
