Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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