I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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