garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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