Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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