the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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