Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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