this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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