We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
