How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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