Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize