come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we made out on top of his cat.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize