So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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