But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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