you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
