I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
